Perception is Everything

I really hate that saying because to me it implies that you have to roll over and take whatever judgement is bestowed you. Ok, maybe it doesn't, but that's how I'm feeling right now.

I have one of those "How are you feeling today" face thingies at my desk at work and today I noticed that it had been moved to "guilty", it struck me as odd and so I mentioned it passing to a couple coworkers. I didn't think much of, but that little, insignificant comment opened up the flood gates. Apparently my desk has been the hot topic of discussion and it is a well known fact that I do not like my things touched. According to my coworkers, I have a bad temper and get very angry when things are moved. LOL First of all, these people have never seen my temper, so they really have no idea what they are talking about. Second, I have never gotten so upset over something being moved to cause this kind of reaction. I'm sorry that when my things are missing that it irritates me, that seems like a pretty normal reaction to me. I don't feel that I have ever done anything so horrible to these people that they feel the need to talk about me behind my back and worse think they need to be scared of me. It's just ridiculous! Every day I put on my happy face and endure the bull shit that is my job, I don't complain about the hundreds of things that bother me about everyone and everything, I go along with it all as to promote a positive work environment. I'm so sick of every little thing I do being put under a microscope. I cant breath I feel so suffocated by the nit picking! I was also told today that during lunch last week I made everyone feel very uncomfortable because of the wall I put up due to certain unexpected guest. It wasn't intentional, but I guess I did put up a wall and it's because of situations like this!

Every time I open myself up it's used against me, like a stake right to the heart. I can't be me, I can't be fake, I can't be who you want me to be, so what am I supposed to do? I know I'm a good person, I have one of the biggest hearts of anyone you'll ever meet, but I'm not a doormat. I'm not going to let people force me into a mold. I'm going to speak my mind, I'm going to talk about things that make you uncomfortable and things you don't believe in, but that doesn't make me a bad person. In fact I think that makes me pretty damn awesome! I know people are going to perceive me the way they want, but what I want to know is when does my perception of myself start to matter?

Who am I?

I'm struggling right now with life, love and finding myself...again. Is our journey on Earth only made of of constant reinventions of oneself, adapting to life changes, dodge curve-balls, climbing back up hills? When do things start to feel like they fit?

Lately I feel like there is something wrong with me; I'm so emotional, distracted, distant and just not feeling like me. I don't even know who "me" is anymore...I feel so disconnected from the person I used to call "me". I feel like I'm trying to fit into too many boxes at the same time, never really vibing with any of them. It feels like adolescence all over again. I can't seem to find a place that I feel at peace with and I guess that is probably to do with not knowing what I want or who I want to be. Sometimes if I really focus I can make out an image of who I am meant to be. Wow, meant to be, that sounds so cliche, but it really is what my soul is earning for; a purpose. And here's when people start in; I know being a mother is a gift from God, the highest form of trust and love, but I don't feel (hopefully without sound selfish), that my title in life should only be Mother. I'm probably a horrible person for saying this, but it doesn't fully satisfy me. I want to figure out what my calling in life is for ME. And maybe this is it and I should just accept it, but something inside me cant.

I feel like life is passing me by. The thought of waking up 5,10,20 years from now being in this same spot scares the hell out of me. There are so many things that I want to do differently, things I want to learn and try, ways I want to express myself, but I really don't know where to start and that overwhelms me, then I get discouraged and depressed and the cycle starts all over again. I think the biggest factor holding me back right now is my job. It's stifling, bland, monotonous, typical Corporate America. I'm sickeningly comfortable there though, I don't dare make a change for fear of failure. I don't trust myself and that has got to be one of the worst and lowest feelings ever. So I guess that brings this blog to a conclusion; learn to trust my self again.

What a Nice Day!

Today was one of those days when everything just seemed to go right. Woke up after a good nights rest feeling refreshed and ready to conquer the day. The kids looked like sleeping angels as I crept into their room to wake them. Gavin seemed in good spirits as the usual morning clothing battle was diverted. I hit most of the lights green and made it to work 30 minutes early...making up some missed time earlier in the week. I was pleasantly surprised to find the girl we just hired bright and eager to learn. The day continued smoothly and my weekend approached. The drive home was equally enjoyable as the wind cooled my face. Tending to the gardens, the sun beating down, the smell of dirt and plant life in the air, I noticed my tomato plants were finally blooming! I thought to myself, "What a nice day!" I am truely grateful for the small things in life for it is what fills my life with beauty!

I Wanna Get Off This Ride

Lately my life has felt like a rollercoaster; a constant up and down making it hard to get my barings. I try to look at change in a positive way, but sometimes it just plain sucks! A friend of mine told me that life is like a mountain; you keep going round and round until you reach the top. So even though it feels like you keep coming back to the same spot you are actually gaining ground. I know she's right, but some days I just wanna give up on the notion because I'm tired of going in circles.

I read in a book by Deepak Chopra that you are drawn to people that reflect your self-image. I admit I had a hard time grasping that. I couldn't understand that I would be drawn to people that treat me poorly and take my friendship for granted, but then it dawned on me; maybe it's the other way around. Maybe it's those people who are drawn to me; to my light and love and laughter. And then it made sense. I feel that it's part of my divine plan to be a guiding light for others, like a light tower; glowing off in the distance, constant, and easily taken for granted. I need to stop waiting for people to come into shore and just let the current take them where it may know that whether or not they knew it I made a difference on their journey.

I know this is just a dip and the ride will continue upward again and I'll be happy, but for right now I shed a tear to those I've lost and send the intention for a brighter tomorrow!

Update

Wow, it's been 6 months since my last post and obviously tonz has happened!

After a 5 year engagement Brady and I finally tied the knot on June 26th. We had a small ceremony and a huge party and bbq to celebrate afterwards. Getting married was a huge weight lifted from my shoulders! I love Brady so much, he is my best friend and I am so grateful for him!

We welcomed our baby girl Josslyn on July 2nd after a very long labor. Despite a few minor complications it was actually a very peaceful and intimate delivery. The first thing that popped in my head when they laid Joss on my chest was how much she looked like her big brother! lol She has been a very happy and precocious baby. She hardly cries except for food and when she's in her car seat.

At 5 months old she's rolling over, sleeping in her own bed, sitting up with little help, eating pured, mild foods, smiling and laughing all the time and making cute lil baby talk. I expect her to start crawling soon as well. We are so happy to have this little ray of sunshine in our lives

Halloween was pretty mellow this year. We had Brady's sister and her husband over for fondue and drinks. My sister took Gavin Trick-or-Treating so I stayed home and passed out candy. Here are the kids' costumes; Gavin as Iron Man and Josslyn as a beautiful flower!

Thanksgiving was great this year. My Dad took us to The Grand America for the most delicious buffet! Gavin had a hey-day trying all the new food and couldn't wait for dessert of course! lol It was really fun watching Josslyn have her first taste of potatoes. She loved them; it was adorable!

This year was full of many things to be thankful for! I couldn't have asked for a better family, I am so blessed!

Baby Update

So I've made it to a milestone I wasn't sure I'd make it to; 35 weeks. With my last pregnancy I had complications and was put on bed rest and then induced at 35 weeks, so to make it this far with little or no problems is huge! It's such a relief to know that my baby is happy and healthy and that I have a doctor I can go to if I have any questions or concerns and know that she will address them professionally and sincerely! From this point forward however, I am driving blind. I don't know what to expect and I feel a little self conscious about that. I feel like I should know more about what is going to happen, but I really don't. Last time everything was planned out and I was in the care of a hospital when all the surprises took place. This time I'm doing it on my own and all kinds of awful visions are flashing before my eyes; what if I'm at work when my water breaks? Will I be able to drive or will I have to ask someone else? What if I don't know I'm having contractions because I honestly don't remember what they feel like? LOL I know, I'm so over-reacting, but as silly as my concerns sound they are legitimate to me. I've had faith thus far that things were going to work out and they have, so its time to breath a little deeper and take my faith a little further. =D

They Grow Up Too Fast

So, its been a few weeks, but I wanted to share a couple milestones in my little boy's life. He recently lost 2 teeth and learned to ride a 2-wheeler. It's funny how a tooth and the removal of training wheels can make such a huge impact in your life. I started thinking of all the things this little tooth is going to lead to; kindergarten, braces, dating, driving, college, marriage, kids...and I started to feel sad. You spend so much time wanting your kids to grow up and be more independent so you can gain some of your freedom back that you forget to enjoy the carefree moments and the little things that make life so special. Each passing day is getting closer to a time when I wont have my baby boy around, to when I cant grab his chubby cheeks, when I cant set him on my lap and read a story, when he wont need me to tie his shoes, when he wont want to call me Mommy or kiss me any more and as much as I dont want those things to happen they are and so therefore I must spend each day in the present and treasure each moment.

1st tooth gone.
No more training wheels!

2nd tooth gone. (Mom was dumb and had him look into the sun lol)