Who am I?

I'm struggling right now with life, love and finding myself...again. Is our journey on Earth only made of of constant reinventions of oneself, adapting to life changes, dodge curve-balls, climbing back up hills? When do things start to feel like they fit?

Lately I feel like there is something wrong with me; I'm so emotional, distracted, distant and just not feeling like me. I don't even know who "me" is anymore...I feel so disconnected from the person I used to call "me". I feel like I'm trying to fit into too many boxes at the same time, never really vibing with any of them. It feels like adolescence all over again. I can't seem to find a place that I feel at peace with and I guess that is probably to do with not knowing what I want or who I want to be. Sometimes if I really focus I can make out an image of who I am meant to be. Wow, meant to be, that sounds so cliche, but it really is what my soul is earning for; a purpose. And here's when people start in; I know being a mother is a gift from God, the highest form of trust and love, but I don't feel (hopefully without sound selfish), that my title in life should only be Mother. I'm probably a horrible person for saying this, but it doesn't fully satisfy me. I want to figure out what my calling in life is for ME. And maybe this is it and I should just accept it, but something inside me cant.

I feel like life is passing me by. The thought of waking up 5,10,20 years from now being in this same spot scares the hell out of me. There are so many things that I want to do differently, things I want to learn and try, ways I want to express myself, but I really don't know where to start and that overwhelms me, then I get discouraged and depressed and the cycle starts all over again. I think the biggest factor holding me back right now is my job. It's stifling, bland, monotonous, typical Corporate America. I'm sickeningly comfortable there though, I don't dare make a change for fear of failure. I don't trust myself and that has got to be one of the worst and lowest feelings ever. So I guess that brings this blog to a conclusion; learn to trust my self again.