Perception is Everything

I really hate that saying because to me it implies that you have to roll over and take whatever judgement is bestowed you. Ok, maybe it doesn't, but that's how I'm feeling right now.

I have one of those "How are you feeling today" face thingies at my desk at work and today I noticed that it had been moved to "guilty", it struck me as odd and so I mentioned it passing to a couple coworkers. I didn't think much of, but that little, insignificant comment opened up the flood gates. Apparently my desk has been the hot topic of discussion and it is a well known fact that I do not like my things touched. According to my coworkers, I have a bad temper and get very angry when things are moved. LOL First of all, these people have never seen my temper, so they really have no idea what they are talking about. Second, I have never gotten so upset over something being moved to cause this kind of reaction. I'm sorry that when my things are missing that it irritates me, that seems like a pretty normal reaction to me. I don't feel that I have ever done anything so horrible to these people that they feel the need to talk about me behind my back and worse think they need to be scared of me. It's just ridiculous! Every day I put on my happy face and endure the bull shit that is my job, I don't complain about the hundreds of things that bother me about everyone and everything, I go along with it all as to promote a positive work environment. I'm so sick of every little thing I do being put under a microscope. I cant breath I feel so suffocated by the nit picking! I was also told today that during lunch last week I made everyone feel very uncomfortable because of the wall I put up due to certain unexpected guest. It wasn't intentional, but I guess I did put up a wall and it's because of situations like this!

Every time I open myself up it's used against me, like a stake right to the heart. I can't be me, I can't be fake, I can't be who you want me to be, so what am I supposed to do? I know I'm a good person, I have one of the biggest hearts of anyone you'll ever meet, but I'm not a doormat. I'm not going to let people force me into a mold. I'm going to speak my mind, I'm going to talk about things that make you uncomfortable and things you don't believe in, but that doesn't make me a bad person. In fact I think that makes me pretty damn awesome! I know people are going to perceive me the way they want, but what I want to know is when does my perception of myself start to matter?

Who am I?

I'm struggling right now with life, love and finding myself...again. Is our journey on Earth only made of of constant reinventions of oneself, adapting to life changes, dodge curve-balls, climbing back up hills? When do things start to feel like they fit?

Lately I feel like there is something wrong with me; I'm so emotional, distracted, distant and just not feeling like me. I don't even know who "me" is anymore...I feel so disconnected from the person I used to call "me". I feel like I'm trying to fit into too many boxes at the same time, never really vibing with any of them. It feels like adolescence all over again. I can't seem to find a place that I feel at peace with and I guess that is probably to do with not knowing what I want or who I want to be. Sometimes if I really focus I can make out an image of who I am meant to be. Wow, meant to be, that sounds so cliche, but it really is what my soul is earning for; a purpose. And here's when people start in; I know being a mother is a gift from God, the highest form of trust and love, but I don't feel (hopefully without sound selfish), that my title in life should only be Mother. I'm probably a horrible person for saying this, but it doesn't fully satisfy me. I want to figure out what my calling in life is for ME. And maybe this is it and I should just accept it, but something inside me cant.

I feel like life is passing me by. The thought of waking up 5,10,20 years from now being in this same spot scares the hell out of me. There are so many things that I want to do differently, things I want to learn and try, ways I want to express myself, but I really don't know where to start and that overwhelms me, then I get discouraged and depressed and the cycle starts all over again. I think the biggest factor holding me back right now is my job. It's stifling, bland, monotonous, typical Corporate America. I'm sickeningly comfortable there though, I don't dare make a change for fear of failure. I don't trust myself and that has got to be one of the worst and lowest feelings ever. So I guess that brings this blog to a conclusion; learn to trust my self again.